Children of divorce are often known for their ability to adapt and thrive under challenging circumstances. Resilience becomes a hallmark trait as you navigate the complexities of a fractured family dynamic. This adaptability often serves you well, shaping strategies, beliefs, and coping mechanisms that help you create meaning and stability amidst chaos.
However, as you enter adulthood and consider building a family of your own—perhaps through marriage or a long-term partnership—those same strategies and beliefs may no longer serve you.
The Beauty and Burden of Being “Well-Adjusted”
When you grow up in a broken family, you learn to survive and thrive by developing skills to make sense of the instability around you. These adjustments can feel like badges of honor—precious tools that have allowed you to succeed. You may enter adulthood feeling solid in yourself, confident in your ability to navigate life’s challenges.
But here’s the paradox: the very adjustments that helped you thrive in a broken family may not be compatible with the kind of family you hope to create.
Marriage is a New Context
Marriage or any serious, long-term relationship represents the opposite of the environment you adapted to as a child. Where you once managed brokenness, you now aim to build wholeness. But those strong attachments to your old strategies and beliefs—those that kept you safe and helped you succeed—can unconsciously pull you back toward old patterns.
This is why therapy before marriage is so essential. It provides the space to examine the ways your upbringing has shaped your ideas about family, love, and relationships.
Addressing the “Broken Edges”
Even the most well-adjusted individuals carry “broken edges” from their experiences. These are the unresolved wounds or ingrained patterns that can inadvertently cause harm in new relationships—especially to the people who had no part in causing your pain.
Without intentional healing, those broken edges can surface in destructive ways, creating friction in the very relationships you wish to nurture. Therapy helps you attend to these edges, smoothing them out and making room for healthier ways of relating.
Building New Strategies for a Whole Family
The family you hope to create is not the broken one you adjusted to as a child. It’s an opportunity to build something whole, stable, and nurturing. But this requires new strategies, beliefs, and ways of being that align with the vision of a complete and loving family. Therapy offers tools to help you make this shift, empowering you to approach relationships with fresh eyes and an open heart.
A Loving Call to Action
To all children of divorce: no matter how strong or resilient you feel, consider therapy before you get married. Therapy is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy—it’s an investment in your future, your relationships, and the family you wish to create.
You are not bound by the patterns of your past. With curiosity, reflection, and intentional healing, you can step into a new chapter of life with the tools to thrive in a whole and complete family.
Please, get therapy. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself—and your future.
